Women

Women…

Yesterday, I had a long conversation with myself on the subject of women & the current state of my dealings with them.

I have always been, at least, moderately successful when it came to dealing with women. (depending on how one measures "success")

In high school, I dated older girls that were out of school or in college. After high school, in the years before I returned to school, I always dated the hottest girls. Older, younger, models, engaged, married, it didn’t matter to me. When I returned to school, I dated a lot of younger girls. I had a "thing" for foreign girls. Probably my 2 longest relationships were with foreign girls, one from Hungary the other from the Philippines. While in law school, I dated a beautiful girl, who after we broke up, began working as a stripper. Then a local girl, once again beautiful, who was 10 years my junior (with an absolutely great all natural rack). After law school, my success rate dropped precipitously. I'm not sure completely why, but I think it is because I was no longer looking for just a good time, but felt it was time for something more.

As I sit and contemplate my current state, I find myself asking, "What the hell happened to me?"; "What happened to my standards?"

I am still obsessed with Donna. I am fooling around with T. In my younger days, I would have barely given these 2 the time of day.

Now, I am making a fool of myself trying to get Donna back. I would have never done such a thing. And, T, she just isn'’t my type. She is filling a gap & that's it. I know it makes me a bad person, but when I'm with her, I find myself thinking about how to break it off with her. Is that fair to her? No.

All this makes my think of a song lyric… ...“the more I know, the less I understand...” whether it be about women, generally, or about myself.

Maybe, it is a matter of my current desperation for a more meaningful relationship. I think women can smell desperation on a man like a dog smells fear. Now, despite the diminution of my standards in the "looks" department, when I find someone I actually like, I come on too strong. Drives them away. When I really don't care whether or not I ever see them again, they will do whatever I ask, literally and figuratively.

I just don't know what to do...… my head tells me to forget about Donna... move on... she wasn't worth it anyway... then, I feel lonely & miss her kiss, her touch, her smile... and I call, send an email, a text message... knowing better, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Then when I get no reaction, or a reaction I don't like... I contact T. She makes me feel attractive, stimulating... It helps fill the emptiness left from the rejection, but I know it's not going anywhere.

I just don't know what I'm going to do... I don't want to be a bother to Donna & I don't want to just lead T on... I should probably just try to forget about both of them and start fresh.